19 9 / 2014

I have been so needlessly hot recently. Like a good 20% of my day is me thinking about past or possible future hookups, and another 5% is me telling my brain to shut up because I can’t be thinking about sex in the middle of work or at a study group or whatever I’m doing.

I’m not normally this turned on all the time, it’s weird. And I still am not sexually attracted to anyone, my libido is just being a jerk.

But like 3 nights in a row last week we ended up fooling around, and it was awesome, details under the cut.

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11 8 / 2014

10 7 / 2014

Our third housemate is out for the week, so we decided to shower last night together.

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07 6 / 2014

Anxiety makes hooking up hard.

I am very afraid that I will not be able to get off, so that is why I generally freeze up when you ask me if I want to finish myself. I really really do not like to because of the anxiety it brings on.

Similarly, I get very nervous about the mess when getting you off, or get nervous about accidentally hurting you or something, or that something else bad will happen.

The problem is is that it doesn’t matter if you tell me all these things are silly and everything is fine and none of it will happen, because then I just get more anxious that I can’t put it out of my mind.

It does not help that it is incredibly difficult to put this in words, either.

30 4 / 2014

So I’m sitting in the Women’s Center with her right now

And all I can really think about is that I very much want to take her up to the upstairs study and make out with her

This is a problem

Tumlbr is not solving it

Making out with her in a semi-public place is something I reeeeally want to do at some point.

17 4 / 2014

10 4 / 2014

We’ve both been pretty stressed because of school and the approaching summer and the train that is our futures, but in regards to whatever it is that we have going on, it’s been good, mostly

I’ve been dealing with some really frustrating ace days that start shortly after we begin something, and also with killer headaches that interrupt us, and I feel insanely guilty for not being able to do things for her.

Other than that though, things have been pretty damn great.

I can kiss her when I want, even if I’m still scared to do so, and almost every night now she’ll be with me in bed for a little, if not fall asleep and stay.

 

I want to know, though, what we are.

 

Like, it’s not a huge deal, but I like knowing what’s going on, and since she’s an important part of my life, I’d like to know how to view our relationship to one another.

We’ve said on several occasions that we’re basically in a relationship without the romance element, but what does that make us? Are we in a relationship then? Or do we just have this thing going on that we can’t classify? I’m fine with whatever, but I want to know and it’s difficult to figure out when she keeps shying away from the conversation.

I also kind of don’t want this to be super hidden from our friends anymore. Not like shove it in people’s faces or whatever, but I want to be able to act the same in most situations, and I want to be able to have one dynamic with her (tuned to the situations, obviously, but the same dynamic).

I mean, for one thing we need to tell our housemate next year, we’ve already discussed that.

I like what we have. I hope she does too. I’m just scared she’s embarrassed by this.

If she’s not, then it might be nice to tell at least a few of our close friends.

If she is, then we should stop.

06 3 / 2014

I want her

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23 2 / 2014

I can no longer be used in ritual sacrifices

What a relief

21 2 / 2014

Anonymous said: Hey, I just want you to know I love your blog so much! I think you are so inspirational to talk about your feelings so openly and you have helped me reduce the stress I have. Me and my girlfriend are very similar to you and your friend and it helps so much to have an insight on someone's life who is also dealing with the same worries as me. I wish you every luck for the future and although I hope you two will one day marry, just mind you don't get hurt ok? Keep up this wonderful blog! Lara xxxxx

Aw, thank you Lara!

I know how much it means to find someone you can relate to, to know it’s not just you going through these things. I’m very glad I’m able to help =)

If you ever want to chat or anything, feel free to message me on here, it’s also nice to know someone is going through similar things!

I (we) wish you the best and hope things go well with you and your girlfriend

<3

Much love,

Friend (and Benefits, who is sitting across the room trying to find her socks)